Dads - Finding The Comfort in Discomfort
Dads - Finding the Comfort in Discomfort
Having a baby is one of the most life changing events you will ever have as an adult. You have a lot of them whilst growing up, like learning to walk, talk, going to school, puberty, getting your driver’s license, your first job, falling in love and getting married and then it all kind of settles down… and then BAM kids.
You might think you are ready. Peta and I went on every course we could find in New York (where our 1st was born) and if you had have asked me before the baby came, I would have said we were 9/10 prepared.
The reality was a Solid 4.
Why?
Because as much as the human race has done this time and time again and with all the books, the experts, the internet and modern society - there is so much information out there, the reality is that this is such an intrinsic adjustment to your life format, that it was always going to be extraordinary change. Like waking up at 30 only to discover you have wings and can fly.
Once the lack of sleeps starts accumulating, the stress levels go up and the haze sets in. You are taught to have a vision, have a plan, and then babies come along and you have to start dealing with a while lot more.
It will be uncomfortable.
And there it is… The Solution. Find Comfort in the Discomfort.
Every second, minute and hour you spend with your baby screaming on your shoulder is actually bonding you together, a magical weld that will last a lifetime. You are getting to know one another, creating a relationship together, learning how to communicate together (Non-verbally because babies obviously can’t speak!!); so smell their head, be skin to skin, sing to them, hum, whistle, bounce, try different holds, go for a walk, a drive, a change of scenery, toys, pacifiers, baths, ask them “what are you trying to say”? Experiment with different things, have 100 strategies, 1000 strategies. Just keep trying and find what works for you and your baby.
And just remember, like every relationship you formed in the past, it takes time. Curiously enough relationships forged in deeply intense emotional circumstances are in fact some of the most awesome of relationships, so just focus on this.
Reframing it this way gives you a rationale and fuel for the struggle as it is an investment into your bond, why would you not want that.
And it will get better, the feeding, the sleeping, the cleaning, being together. You will get better and the baby will get better, you are learning and developing new skills together, 10,000 hours so the books tell me.
Just like when you first learnt a musical instrument or a sport or to drive a car or learning a career. At the start you sucked! You had no idea what you were doing. But if you see this as something important and if you invest time in to mastering the craft then it will get better, find your “Happy Place” and settle in.
So what do you need to do?
Be prepared to suck but stay present.
Dads don’t just hand baby to mum and say things like “you are better at it than I am”.
And Mums, don’t take the baby from Dad at the first sign of discomfort. Let them struggle and learn and bond. You don’t want the Mum to be only person able to settle the baby, because there is already way too much weight on her.
Do the work, because you love this child and you want to know them, bond with them and show them the world.
Become an expert Dad, nerd out about Dad stuff, put as much effort in to being a Dad as you did into your career, whilst the outputs are harder to measure, I guarantee you the benefits are infinitely greater.
The first days are so important, so put everything else on hold, don’t rush back to work, you will be ok, your company will be ok, the world will be ok. You are this little person’s world so focus on them!
Find solace in the fact that this little human cannot exist without you, enjoy the simple pleasures of ‘firsts’, the first eye contact, first touch, first noise, first bath, first feed, first play, changing nappies….. And when they look at you, they often shoot love straight into your soul because YOU are their everything.
Be an amazing husband, be an amazing dad…develop your new superpowers.
Because this is the complete human experience and you don’t want to miss it
Keep smiling people and make great humans.
- Shane
If you are feeling distressed, there are a range of organizations out there to help you.
Please reach out or to Lifeline, Beyond Blue or COPE.
Shane runs Dad Club at Beaches Baby - A 6 Week Program for Dads and their babies discussing everything Fatherhood including debriefing birth, the role of Dads, Role Models, Play, Relationships and More.
